There are a lot of topics one can shy away from. Then there are the ones you focus on. And sometimes, the ones we focus on are just an excuse to shy away from other topics. And while that's not happening, there is what you know, what someone else says that contradicts what you know, then sometimes, there's that painful moment when sometimes the contradiction becomes something you now know. If that makes sense.
And then there's the topic of shyness.
And change.
Perhaps you're wondering what any of this has to do with anything. Rightfully so.
We knew The Redhead can be a sensitive child. She can be fiercely independent. Also dependent. But I rarely would describe her as shy. I might from time to time say, "oh, she's pretending to be shy," and that's not really a new phrase to come out of my mouth, typically followed by the word, "dramatics." And I have every right to say this, in my opinion. When she was a toddler and strangers would talk to her, she would pretend to sneeze. She had fake sneezes constantly. And some of them were very convincing. Then when she was slightly older than that she caught this fainting goat disease. When someone would talk to her and tell her how pretty her hair was or her dimples, or just mutter the word, "hello," there she'd go. Down for the count. It didn't matter what the surface was, and we often feared she'd end up in the emergency room after she would let herself fall hard onto linoleum, pavement, and any other type of flooring. She was limp, just like a fainting goat. It was amazing, truly. And it wasn't only reserved for strangers. It was for any moment that she just simply wanted to drop out. I'm sort of laughing, smiling, and rolling my eyes all simultaneously as I type this. As cute as it all was to most people, the drama queen act could get under my skin from time to time. Kids do all sorts of things to pretend to be shy. They hide their faces. They bury themselves into their parents' legs. They quickly turn around. They scream. They do all sorts of adorably obnoxious things. Sometimes, it's all legit. Other times, it's a farce.
At school, The Redhead has never really been described as "shy" to me. Which fits fine, since I would never have described her as such either. She was the kid showing off during ballet and tap with a wide smile. She loved performing in any sort of way. She liked the attention, the applause, the flowers we would bring for afterwards. She was the kid you could count on in front of the class, in any musical show at school, the show stealer, the one with personality and voices and absolutely hilarious facial expressions. Before preschool, even. She was the reason people would stop us after a performance once they realized we were her parents and brag about how wonderful she was. We've lost count at how many times she's been randomly chosen to be on stage as an assistant or participant in shows. She has helped with numerous magic acts, comedy acts, singing routines, shared her many different accents, and has never failed to be up for the task. You could always count for that hand to go up any time they needed a volunteer. She even battled Darth Vader at Disney Hollywood Studios.
And she's done all of those things by choice.
The only reason she hasn't gone into real acting during her childhood is because honestly, we said "no." We did. We're dream crushers. Trust me, we have thrown out the business cards, even when she was a baby. But we wanted her to have a real childhood. Without cameras (Mommy's camera doesn't count). And while we didn't encourage it professionally, we did find other ways to let her have her spotlight. I even chose her third grade teacher mostly because I knew she had the class put on a movie every year and her second grade teacher and I agreed that would be perfect for The Redhead. And it was. She was such a fabulous werewolf and she boasted that she could have had the lead, but she had to be the werewolf. Her teacher confirmed this. I wasn't surprised.
Obviously, we moved. This isn't new. And she was already sensitive, but a lot of actors and actresses are sensitive. I found it strange when her teacher this year kept describing The Redhead as shy. The Redhead also kept saying she was shy. But well, she does that. And fakes sneezes. And drops to the floor as a fainting goat. And blatantly hides under a chair in the living room as the dogs are being introduced to their pet sitter. Just a few weeks ago. That doesn't mean she's actually shy. It's just another act.
But I was privy to something this morning. I happened to be dropping some items off in the classroom and the students were getting ready to present their projects. The Redhead didn't know she had to be in costume first thing in the morning, so we quickly pulled her jumpsuit on. Then I saw some parents in the classroom and asked if we were allowed to stay. They ignored me, which I've been used to here. And so I stuck around. And after watching three students present their projects, it was The Redhead's turn. And that's when I witnessed a truly traumatizing event. She was that shy. My tiny, outgoing, curly headed child with the dimples and voices and a big personality was a timid, monotone creature. She was backing herself to the wall, staring at the floor or turning to her note card and her voice never changed. This wasn't an act. She was shy.
I suddenly was nauseous. All I wanted to do was hurl. When did this happen? How did we leave Kansas with a bubbly drama queen and arrive in California with a wallflower? And I think the true reason I wanted to hurl isn't because I was blaming the move. I was blaming myself. I used to be perceived as outgoing, some people still think I'm that way. But secretly, and not always so secretly, I'm incredibly timid. I just fake it. It's my version of faking sneezes and dropping to the ground. I don't talk a lot because I'm friendly. I do it because it's how I let out all of my nervous energy. But while I'm presenting anything, or even talking to someone, all I really want to be doing is hiding underneath a table or exiting the premises. I want better for her though. I don't want her sensitivities to take over and take away her spark. I don't want her learning bad habits from her cowardly mother. It's bad enough she has picked up some of my habits and submissive ways, but this, this one would be unforgivable.
I have to be better.
And if I can't be better, surely I can find other outlets for her. Then a stroke of brilliance hit me. Drama classes. We've talked about them for years, but never actually enrolled her. Now is our chance. So the search is on for summer drama camps. I ran the idea past The Redhead and she was beyond excited. She said, "I've always wanted to do that." She later claimed to have left her confidence in Kansas. She said it was easier when she knew everybody. But I explained to her that she didn't know everyone she performed in front of. I do think it helped that our school in Kansas offered music and our new school does not. But I've never shied away from supplementing at home if I thought something was lacking at school, so why start now? It's time for some new dramatics. I still don't want a child actress, but the dramatic arts have been known to help build up confidence in children and provide creative outlets. I think that's exactly what The Redhead needs right now. We have to find ways to conquer this shyness and build up her confidence again. My demons don't need to be her demons and being shy isn't an excuse. It's not going to help her with future presentations in school. It's time for some serious dramatics again.
As long as we stay clear of sneezes and fainting goats.
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