From Frumpy to Fabulous

Well, I don't know about the fabulous part.  But no matter how pretty you are, how much you weigh, how many inches your thighs are, you have to be comfortable in your own skin.  No matter what you look like.



It's that one thing that skinny people, chubby people, tall people, short people, blondes, brunettes, redheads, Caucasians, size 7 feet, and yoga fiends all have in common.  People of all sorts struggle with confidence and body image issues.  It doesn't matter what size you are.  It doesn't matter how much you work out.  Some people are naturally confident.  Some women are perfectly okay with their larger body types.  Some size zeroes are freaking out on their scales.  It's more so a mental and emotional struggle than a physical one.



I am no different.  I have body image issues aplenty.  I wanted to embody the cliche as much as possible, apparently.  And I've had these same issues from when I was a size zero to now.  But this isn't about that.  This isn't about my struggles with food and metabolism and former demons.  This is about clothes.


Yes.  Clothes.



This is proof I can be that shallow.



And ever since moving here, I haven't really bought myself much in clothes.  Except pretty underwear; I've still fed that addiction.  Part of it may be because I don't have anyone to impress.  Part of it is because I'm cutting back on stuff because my closet is full enough and I finally made everything fit.  But before you think it's because I've just saved myself a ton of money, and even though I almost would like you to think that about me, you're wrong.  It's because no matter how many trips to Kohl's I take, I can't find anything I like.  What happened, Kohl's?!  Why aren't you trying to sell me stuff?!  I've NEVER had a problem finding shirts in a Kohl's store.  At least not in Kansas!  I could find something every time I went in.  Which could be a problem, but I was a smart shopper.  And seeing myself in the mirror looking decent in a shirt was a great reminder that I wasn't totally shabby.  Because if I thought I looked okay, I couldn't look that bad, right?


Except in California, I can't find any shirts worth trying on.  Because Kohl's in California doesn't want to sell me anything.  Do you, Kohl's?



No matter how many times I go.


Although, I don't go that often, because I know I'll have the same results.  I always do.



And today, I had the same troubles.  Nothing.  I couldn't find a single thing.  And then I walked through the clothes again.  Still nothing.  I was getting upset.  I mean, really?!  I wanted to buy SOMETHING.  I needed new clothes.  I needed to see myself in a new perspective.  I needed it so badly.


Do you know why??


Because I've lost that ability to see myself in a positive light.  I've lost it.  And I don't know about you, but that's a terrible feeling.  It's why I haven't updated my collection of goofy Facebook photos.  It's why I keep wearing the same few pieces of clothing over and over again.  And it's why, gosh forbid, I've been wearing t-shirts.  T-SHIRTS.


Now, you may not see the big deal in this, but I'm not a t-shirt sort of girl.  At least not men's, size large to extra-large t-shirts.  And yet, that's all I've been wearing.  Constantly.  That and the same four nicer shirts.  Occasionally.  That's it.  Extra-large men's t-shirts.  And although it's perfectly okay that I bought a new Hogwart's one last week at Target on sale, it's not okay that I have been wearing them constantly. There isn't anything wrong with anyone wearing tees, but for me, it's almost the equivalent of wearing pajama pants out in public.  I may not wear makeup, I may not fancy my hair up, but I like to wear my khakis and decent shirts.  And if you went back in time a decade or more, you'd see me in baby doll tees and awesome pants.  And the best shoes.  THE BEST.  Maybe not ones in style, but THE BEST.


But frumpy tees?  Only if I'm working out.  Jeans?  Rarely.


And while I picked up this style out of necessity when I was working, this is not okay.  Because I don't feel good about myself in tees and jeans.  I don't feel motivated to work out.  I don't feel empowered.  I feel frumpy.  That's it.  Frumpy.  A word I wouldn't even normally use.  And that's what it all is.  I look frumpy, and I feel it too.  And that's not okay.   This look may have worked for me when I was working- that whole ponytail, jeans, and baggy tees look.   Yeah, I seriously had a job where I could wear jeans and t-shirts.  No wonder I loved it so much, right?  But I constantly complained about my attire.  I wore it only because I had to!  I wore it because I knew I'd ruin my regular clothes at work.  I even had to buy a whole new wardrobe of plain tees and jeans for that job.  SERIOUSLY.


So Kohl's, why didn't you want to sell me some clothes?


I get that I've gained a little bit (and just a little) since working, and I get I'm not seriously working out forty hours a week, as it was easier when I was paid to do it.  But I can still wear the same size.  So why didn't you want to make some things I wanted to buy?


I made one more lap throughout the women's department with The Redhead in tow.  It was quite the conundrum because I didn't want to buy something just to buy it, but I didn't want to leave empty handed either.  And I needed to get myself out of this baggy tee rut.  Because it's killing my pride.  I may be a lot of things, compulsive, obnoxious, even low maintenance when it comes to my hair and face, but I like to wear clothes that make me feel nice.  And I'm starting to dress like a clinically depressed woman, and it's only time before I start becoming one.


And then I found a few okay styles from a brand I never even look at, partly because I'm a snob and I even said aloud in the store, "I can't buy clothes from a former MTV reality star."  And then it hit me.  It's not that Kohl's didn't want to sell me anything.  It's that I haven't been looking in the right places.  And not only that, but at some point between me switching off with the PTO mom outfits and the work wear, the fashions have changed.  I just hadn't gotten the memo.  And you know what?  Some of those new styles look just right on me.  They even have some vintage flair.  And just like I told The Redhead, "it's not about your size, it's about finding the right clothes to fit your body type."  And maybe I had judged that former reality star too harshly.  Maybe I was too impatient with Kohl's.


Kohl's had wanted to sell me clothes all along.  Kohl's wanted me to feel good about my appearance, I just wasn't allowing them.  It hadn't been just a Kansas thing.  It wasn't a Californian fashion conspiracy.  It was all me.  It was my fault.  I had been wrong, just like that time I said, "you're never going to see Matthew McConaughey win an Oscar."  And you know what?  I can be wrong.  I'll even admit to it when I am.


With The Redhead's help, we may have overdid it, but I have five new shirts.  It wasn't Kohl's cash time, or anything.  And I bought them anyway.  I must have really needed the salvation.



And luckily, Kohl's sold it to me.  Just like they'd wanted to do all along.