I've lived in what has felt like isolation for over two years. I have minimal contact with other adults. And since most of us spend our communicative methods texting, e-mailing, and Facebook commenting, the time I spend actually talking to other human beings is increasingly rare. What's humorous about this is the poor girl who stopped by our house this morning picking up a shelf I was giving away in a local Facebook group got a lot more than just a free shelf.
She had the opportunity to speak with a reclusive housewife with a lot of nervous energy.
My chatterbox ways aren't anything new. I used to believe what a lot of other people thought- that I was outgoing and liked to talk. Over the years, I've learned that is not the case. I'm actually quite shy and awkward and I talk a lot to get through a situation. Or in this case, I talk a lot because I haven't spoken to other people in a really long while and the chance for human interaction is a golden opportunity. It was a welcomed change. And maybe I should be welcoming change a bit more.
The truth is, one of my most favorite parts of the move is the fact I didn't know anyone and very little would be expected of me socially. I've enjoyed the time alone. The issue with this is that an awkward person like me needs to practice how to socialize with other humans. Something that was already difficult has gotten a lot more difficult over time. However, I think the girl who stopped by today and has a four month old infant doesn't necessarily get a lot of adult human interaction herself right now, so perhaps we were in good company.
I can't be the only one who faces the conundrum of enjoying being a wallflower, but also secretly wishes to be inside the social circle. I can't be the only recluse who still gets lonely from time to time. While I love spending time by myself, there is an occasional part of me that misses visiting with other people. I miss my friends in The Midwest. I miss my coworkers who were also my friends. They both understood that I wasn't a social butterfly, and yet loved me anyway. Probably because they weren't social butterflies either. There were few expectations, other than being in the company of beautiful, articulate souls.
I'm never going to stop having way too much nervous energy. I know that. It comes with being high energy. It comes with being me. I'm going to ramble and talk entirely too much sometimes. There are only a few people in this world that I can sit in absolute comfortable silence with them and say nothing, yet have a worthwhile conversation with them just the same. And unfortunately, those people do not live in my state. And that's okay, really. Eventually, I'll fly back for a visit. And really, it's probably okay to talk someone's ear off on the sidewalk this morning while her little baby boy just listened in delight and smiled at all of my facial expressions and hand gestures. I think instead of calling myself out for being too weird or panicking that maybe I came across as insane, I should just thank my lucky stars that I squeezed in some rare social time this morning because I know can't possibly be the only person to have done so. And even if I was, that's probably okay too.
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