Unfortunately, I stopped blogging last year. It appeared I was blogging, but I wasn't. Not really. I censored myself. While I had promised myself I never would, I did. And I took all the fun out of it and eventually, I didn't see the point in doing it anymore. I have all of these blog entries I've started in my head, on paper, on my computer, and even in my phone, but they never make it here because somewhere along the way, I told myself that not all of the people who read this blog are really going to care about those topics. So alas, I didn't blog them. The problem was, I really hate using this blog just for photos of day trips and shopping excursions. It was never supposed to be about that. That was to be a very small part of what my blog was about. But I'm a people pleaser to a fault, to a fault that people don't even recognize that I am a people pleaser. The other issue was, I don't like posting things on this blog that I share on Facebook. And what I share on here, I don't share on Facebook, and vice versa. And then this blog replaced Facebook for a short while, and it was never supposed to do that. And then it bothered me. It bothered me a lot. It bothered me that I no longer felt I had an outlet to put anything. And I'm still bothered by that. Since moving over two years ago, I have been isolated from everyone and everything. And there is a part of me that hates it, I mean, really hates it. This blog was to keep me sane during all of those changes and the isolation, and in the end it hasn't done that. Because I allowed myself to turn it into something it was never supposed to be. And mildly passive-aggressive me then just stopped blogging altogether aside from giving some pity posts; bottling up all those feelings, and until the last month or two, I had no idea how awful of a case that was.
I will eventually blog my feelings again because I need to. I really need to do that for myself. I need to be able to vent politics and family and observations and frustrations because that's why I have a blog in the first place. I will post things that aren't always happy and that people won't necessarily read. I'll post imperfections. I'll post photos, but only if I want to. And if someone wants something else, I'm on Facebook, posting the things on Facebook that Facebook was designed for. I will no longer make myself feel like I have to be something else, someone else or censor myself because that's been going on my whole life and it's not healthy and it's not helping me. I live my entire life for other people, and while I don't exactly expect that to change, I need an outlet. And not having one is killing me. Maybe that seems melodramatic to you, but perhaps you're not that type that is expected to be a million different people. And I am. By a lot of people, as well as myself. And at some point, that needs to stop. But while I work on that, that's why I don't stop by here much anymore, aside from forcing myself to post an occasional series of photos, photos I'd rather only post on Facebook. This entry seems angry, and it's not meant to, as I'm not really angry. But I'm not happy either. And I don't like me when I'm not happy, especially when I realize it's because I'm not giving myself a chance to let out all of the feelings I harbor all day long, the things I never allow myself to say. So while I figure out what's going on in my head, please forgive me for no longer being able to post things I wouldn't read myself.
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