Sometimes in my head, I break people down into categories: The Users, The Fellow Used, and The Not So Bad. I don't always think of them by those exact names, but they're categorized just the same. You can feel free to sort yourself into your own category, but don't expect me to tell you where I think you fit. Because that knowledge stays inside my head. And maybe perhaps in text messages to my best friend. That has been known to happen, there's no use denying it.
There are these memes and quotes where they tell you "maybe ____________________, but be kind anyway." And there is a ton of examples of people behaving badly, but it always ends with, "be kind, anyway" and some sentiment about it never being about you anyway. And I understand this so well because in my life I find myself more often than not getting into situations that are very one-sided. I know I'm partly responsible for that, as it can't just be the other people. Mister Man claims it's because people seek out people like me because there are far less "Used" than "Users." Whichever party is to blame (I'm thinking both), this happens. People act ungrateful, I continue to help them. It's like I'm all, "YES. MORE PLEASE" or something. These people do not see me as used, nor kind, I assure you. I am merely a means to an end and honestly, I'm invisible the rest of the time.
I've had more family treat me like this than don't, "friends," and people I barely know. And for whatever reason, I always would let it go on, mostly due to a combination of not wanting to be confrontational and another thinking it was simply "the right thing to do." I kept telling myself (and other people did too) to keep doing it anyway. You should always be nice, right? You should always treat people how you want to be treated, right? You should be above it all, right?
Right. That's correct. You should still show your integrity. You should always be nice. Exhibit kindness in everything you do. Entitlement, be damned. Reciprocation, be damned. Two-sided kindness, be damned. The problem is....dignity, be damned happens too.
Yeah, I typed it.
Does that mean you stop? No. It doesn't. But one method that's worked for me is moving over a thousand miles away. Have you ever heard that phrase "if someone borrows $20 and you never see them again, consider it money well spent"? Well, move across the country. The same sort of thing happens. Seriously. They stop calling you for favors because you're not around. They don't beg you for anything. They don't even contact you. Ever. They'll claim it's because they're busy. Sure, sure. That happens. You completely understand. But you're too relieved to be free from the hassle, that it doesn't matter what excuses they could offer. The fact is, these people kept you on their mental Rolodex because that was the purpose you served in their life, or at least that's the purpose I served. And I'm not even angry. It's not like I didn't know the truth. I always knew. I always knew they never liked me because that wasn't my purpose. It was always about what I could do for them.
Friends. Acquaintances. Family. Very few people even attempt to keep in touch. In fact, I can count on one hand the people I hear from often. And the people I hear from every so often? None of them are family or friends either. They're all teachers or staff we had in Kansas, which I do consider friends, as they've had more of a part in my life than most people. I receive texts from our new tenant far more than most people, and they're friendly texts too. When we were moving, can you guess how many people helped us? How many people stopped by to see us before we moved? The number is embarrassingly low. And most people who did stop by? Yeah, they were stopping by to ask if they could have something. Aside from Mister Man's parents, we didn't have any family wish us off. And that's okay. I knew where we stood with all of them far before we ever moved.
Now this isn't to make you feel sorry for me. For us. Absolutely not. But one of the reasons my husband was so determined to eventually move to a coast was because of the lack of support we received and the amount of support we gave. He despised the imbalance. It's not that he wanted anything from anyone; he didn't. He never did. But he hated watching how family, friends, etc. continued to treat me. He saw everything I did, all the good things, and he never could understand how or why I would continue doing it with little to no gain. He saw family repeatedly be ungrateful with their insipid whining, he saw "friends" berate me, he saw people continuously tell me I wasn't doing enough, and if I couldn't fulfill a favor for someone immediately, he saw the backlash and what it did to me. He saw me cast as the villain. Each and every time. And he would always say to me, "you make me look so nice and so good and everyone thinks it's because of me, and not one of these people are willing to recognize it's always you."
We have been on the west coast for almost two years now. We haven't heard from most people for over that amount of time. It's hilarious, actually. But it's mostly relieving. It's freeing to know where you stand with people. When all of your self doubt rings true....it's saddening, but it's an honest thing. And you start to doubt yourself less because you realized your intuition was truly spot-on. And I'm kind anyway. I'm guarded and I'm still unable to really allow myself to get to know people or let them know me. I recently found myself in another situation being taken advantage of, and it felt familiar, like an old adversary. It was both comfortable and uncomfortable. And I found my old pal, Experience, helping me know how to handle it, which was with awkwardness and little to no skill.
Yes, be kind anyway. No matter how someone treats you. However if you find yourself eventually unable to do that, that's understandable too. Because it was indeed always about them anyway. They made sure of it.
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