If I was only allowed to give The Redhead two words of advice, I would stick with the cliche, "be yourself." I wouldn't be clever enough to say it any differently, but please know, I would mean it as "stay weird," "be free," "stay different," "be happy," "be you."
If you are friends with me on Facebook, this is going to feel repetitive, but I feel like messages such as these could never be repeated enough.
Graham Moore won the Oscar Sunday night for best adapted screenplay for The Imitation Game, a screenplay that was once on the Black List of the best screenplays that had yet to be produced. Obviously, it was rightly placed on that list since it has now been produced, was an amazing movie, and he now has a highly coveted golden statue named Oscar as his very own. But Graham Moore wasn't the true winner that night. Every viewer was. If you were watching, probably like most viewers, you were moved to tears during his acceptance. He was inspiring to the world with his "stay weird, stay different" message and it's currently trending for a reason. He was ever so brave on that stage, taking his moment to shine to not only win graciously, but to share his almost suicide at sixteen, to remind us all Alan Turing did not have the same freedoms people are allowed today, and most of all, to remind youth to be themselves.
I have a confession. I was actually privately thinking Whiplash was going to win. I'm ashamed of that now. Not because Whiplash wasn't wonderful and the screenplay wasn't fantastic. No. I'm ashamed because I would have missed out on the beauty in his words. The world would have missed out on his fast-paced, eloquent wording, so gracious, so humbling. And he deserved that win. And most of all, we all deserved to hear his words. They were such necessary words.
And I hope The Redhead will never hear these words enough. From me. From her father. From you. I hope she always feels like above everything, she can be who she wants to be, who she already is, who she sees herself. Quirks and all. I hope she knows that we never expect her to be anything more or anything less. Although it worries me greatly the pressure she puts on herself, and I worry she thinks it's expected, I've also realized that perhaps that pressure is part of who she is. For better or for worse. That drive. And I hope she puts that pressure on herself more for her than for us. But regardless, I just want to be here for the moments she does fall, she does fail, when the hard work isn't enough. And I want to be there when it is. And I want her to know that we know she has the map to the path she's on, as she's always sort of gone her own way. We just want to follow her. She doesn't need us always showing her the way. She has this. I know that. And when she gets lost from time to time, I want to offer a flashlight. Because she's going to need that more than directions. Because sometimes, all we need in life is to have a light reminding of us of who we are, and the path in front of us, but instead, people want to give us a new map, with new directions and tell us how we let ourselves stray.
I want The Redhead to know she is amazing for many reasons. There isn't just one thing that defines her. Not her hair, not her curls, not her dimples, freckles, not her love of science, or her high reading level. She's not defined by her tiny stature, or slightly hoarse voice, her love of plush animals, her lack of dolls, her favorite color of blue, or the face she makes when she thinks she's getting in trouble. And we love her for so much more than she is. The only expectation I have for her is to stay who she is, no matter how she evolves, no matter how she changes, no matter what that means. I want her to know she doesn't have to fit into any societal mold. I want her to know our idea of the perfect child is her, no matter the imperfections.
And I hope most parents feel that way. Maybe you'll think in your head that all parents feel that way. And I don't know if I agree with you. I've met too many people who have already mapped the road for their children. I've met a couple people who have actually said to me that the worst thing for their child would be to be gay, while I said, "for me, the worst thing would be for my child to be dead." They both commented "well, you know what I mean." And no, no I didn't. Because for me, I understand to a degree wanting your child to fit in....but I don't want my child feeling as though she ever has to hide. I don't want her feeling like she has to be somebody she's not. I want her to be content.
We all want that right?
There's been a trend of parenting in the news lately for allowing their young transgender children to become the people they see themselves. Maybe you're unfamiliar with this, so I'll explain it in simpleton terms. You thought you had a son, but your son is actually female on the inside. These parents then allowed their children to start dressing the part, being the part, being the person they always were anyway. This sparked an outrage among some conservative parents saying, "they're confusing their children further, they're encouraging this, it's just a phase." Hey, you know what?! What if it is just a phase?! Then how about you let that "phase" play out.... Maybe they'll "outgrow it," maybe they won't. But not allowing children to have their so-called "phases" only stunts their growth and development anyway. And have you ever heard the phrase "choosing your battles"? Yeah....
And what's a greater battle than being your true self? What's a greater battle than making sure your child knows they can be their true self? Regardless of what their friends think. Other family members. Their teachers. Even you. Gosh, if as parents we didn't have enough issues....we have to make sure our children know their purpose, their desires, their goals are even more important than what they think we might think. What their friends might think. Uphill battle, definitely.
But there's light at the end of that tunnel. And maybe our kids won't end up winning an Academy Award. Maybe that's not their dream. But they will win. Even when they don't. Because they're themselves. No matter how weird, or how different, or how "normal" they are. Whether they're popular or not. Whether they fit some sort of standard. Whether they're a cheerleader or the captain of the football team. Whether they're valedictorian. Even if they're #816 in their class of 1,200. There's only one valedictorian of a class, usually. There's usually only one captain of a sports team. And most of all, there's only one version of you, of your child, of each of us. Even when we change. Even when we lose. But if you don't allow failure, you can't allow success. So, as another person stealing Graham Moore's beautiful poetic words, "stay weird, stay different." Because we all win. And that's wonderful.
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