I sat through a movie on Saturday that I both loved and hated. It brought up feelings I hadn't felt in a while, and I don't usually appreciate that. And once the movie was over, I was in a bit of a funk. No one appreciated that, I assure you.
In Pixar's latest creation, they show the worker bees inside our heads, the ones pulling all the grunt work. They're responsible for my emotional rollercoaster feelings, my passive tendencies, my fury when I lose a shoe, and my irrational fear of balloons in the car. (I have these dreams where I am traveling with balloons, they block my view and I die. Yes, I die in my dreams. That's not weird.) They're why I hold emotions in, why I get passionate about politics, probably why I can't make eye contact with the majority of humans, and why I make an enormous deal over as many holidays as possible. Essentially, they're why I'm me. You can profusely thank them at any time.
Pixar gave us all someone to blame. A whole little team of peons. What they also gave me was a walk down memory lane concerning our big move to California. The family in the movie is plucked from Minnesota and forced to live smack dab in San Francisco. It's a beautiful city, but I'm not sure I'd want to live there. The main character, Riley, does not immediately adjust as expected. As you could probably guess, I related to that, more than any word in the dictionary can describe.
The voices inside Riley are confused as to how to handle the situation. Now, I don't want to give the movie away to you, spoilers and all that jazz, but I find I must write about this all anyway. Joy, who is usually in charge, is having a harder time controlling the situations. Up to this point in time, Joy is always the go-to person. Sadness seems to be more in the way all of a sudden. Anger, Fear, and Disgust also have their own opinions over the move. In my case, I'm adding a voice to this panel. Reason. Inside my head, I may have Joy, Sadness, Fear, Anger, and Disgust, but I also have Reason. And Reason is in charge inside my head. Reason is the number cruncher. Perhaps in most people's heads, Reason is merely a consultant, but in my head Reason is the one surveying the room, Reason is the one who everybody waits for. And Reason is the one that decided the move could happen. Reason is the manager and what Reason states happens, whether everybody else agrees or not.
I despised Reason during that time.
Reason deduced that if we were going to move, it needed to happen no later than The Redhead going into sixth grade. Reason also never thought we'd stay in O-Town, Kansas later than fourth grade. This was a steady prediction on Reason's part, and had Reason placed a bet, obviously Reason would have won. Reason stacked all the data and determined that this move could happen. All the other voices were so anxious with this news that Joy couldn't be heard for a while. I don't even know if Joy was in the control room. Perhaps she was accidentally locked in a supply closet somewhere, or lost in a walk down memory lane. It's hard to say or type.
Sadness, Anger, Disgust, and Fear had a lot to say though. Unlike Joy, they were not silenced. Some people in my life tried to appeal to the Joy side and tell me all the wonderful adventures we'd have in California. Joy wasn't around to hear any of them. Joy didn't hear a single word of it. Some people offered condolences to my despondent side, and Sadness was only encouraged. Others in that same group also hung out with Anger, chanting the unfairness of it and all of the sacrifices Reason was forcing us to make. One person in particular spoke to Fear, and that almost derailed everything, as Fear was already overactive during that time. And Disgust, well, Disgust tried to make snarky jokes, just as Disgust is often known to do. Clearly, my brain didn't know what to think; I was pulled in all sorts of directions.
Reason was right, by the way. It was the time in the summer of 2013 to move. If we were going to move, it was a splendid opportunity to do so. The job offer was a fortunate one. Fear was also right. Moving meant we would own two houses, leaving us vulnerable to a plethora of scenarios, some we have faced since then. (Like bad tenants versus good tenants.) Sadness also had every right to step up and behave the way it did. It was a trying time in my life, full of many changes, even loss. It was no mystery why Joy wasn't around during that time. Anger had every right to express its reluctance and the unfairness, and recall every sacrifice. Loudly. And Disgust, good ol' Disgust, well, it's no secret how Disgust could play a role in the trials and tribulations of a major move. The fact is, I had every right to feel every emotion I felt during that time. I felt like some at the time didn't understand that, and I never expected them to, but what I felt, those were my feelings, and even though Reason was leading the charge, it didn't mean the other voices couldn't drag their proverbial feet.
It's been almost two years since we finally arrived in our little house on California soil. Joy has had a lot more of a role since then, like continuously laughing over the dog locking us out of the house our first full day in this state. Do the other voices still exclaim their opinions from time to time? Well, of course they do. Another concept the movie also introduced was that our experiences, our core memories shape us. And obviously the move shaped me. I hadn't been that shaped from an experience in a while. But much like discovering how I handle bad news (I drown myself in remedial tasks, by the way, distracting myself indefinitely), something I learned when my father died the day of the school play I was in, the move proved to me that sometimes change, whether for the better or not, can be handled in multiple ways. We have to prove how we wish to handle it. Luckily, I have Reason to help me with that. I also have Reason to blame.
No comments:
Post a Comment